Well, lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve decided to answer a question that I get asked on a fairly regular basis. Not only from friends and family, but also from random people that I’ve had the unfortunate task of talking to. There are a million reasons why I’m single, literally the list goes on for days. Not because I’m a crazy, psychotic, clingy bitch. But rather because I’m stubborn, refuse to settle for ridiculousness and I’m having way too much fun doing what I want to do.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-relationship. I’m not saying that at all, I guess what I’m trying to imply is that I believe I’m single for certain reasons. Most girls see these things as negative, where I tend to see them as positive things. In fact, if I could find someone who could just party and bullshit with me, hell, I think I’d propose to him and buy him a damn ring (I might even let him wear the big white dress….) I believe being single is a choice there are a million reasons but here are my personal favorites.
- I’d rather hang out with my dog and deal with her shit rather than deal with a man and his BULLshit.
- I like to sleep on my own side of the bed, alone. DO NOT TOUCH ME. I’m a big fan of personal space. I’m not a spooner, never have been, never will be. Sorry I’m not sorry?
- Call me a feminist but I’d much rather get drunk and crazy with my girl friends then try to impress a group of guys who are more interested in a bitty named “Bud” last name “Light”.
- I’m 23 and don’t feel like I am capable of committing to anything long term. I even have small anxiety attacks when signing cell phone contracts.
- I have a low bull shit tolerance, it tends to blow up rather easily.
- I know the difference between a Nickel and a Dime package, when it comes to football, please shut your mouth, I know what I’m talking about.
- Other than grammatically correct English, I speak 2 languages very fluently: Sarcasm and Profanity. If it offends you, by all means, walk away because if I’m being honest (and I’m nothing if not brutally honest) I’m not going to apologize for my potty mouth.
- I’m loud, often obnoxious and tend to not give a flipping care about what you think of me. Please plan accordingly.
- I refuse to hold my tongue, talk shit about my family, friends, religion, alma matter, or anything I care about, and I’ll show you crazy.
- I refuse to be someones other option. If you didn’t pick me, your loss, I’m not going to be second best.
- I give a shit, I care about my friend’s feelings and when something happens to them, I don’t care what’s going on, I’m going to drop what I’m doing and take care of them.
- I pick “hoes over bros” any day of the week.
- I have a lot of good girl friends, if they don’t like you, tough shit, it’s not going to work.
- I drink whiskey or bourbon on the rocks, no vodka or frufru drinks for me thanks. If it usually comes with an umbrella, I’ll pass.
- I don’t forgive easily or forget. .
- My head is permanently in the gutter, seriously, I can make anything sound dirty. So my maturity level? Probably on par with a 14 year old boy, watch what you say around me, I’ll snicker at any innuendo.
- I think “That’s what she said” if delivered correctly, is hilarious. I don’t care who you are.
- I’m old fashion, I don’t think you can find love in a bar, online, over Facebook, or after a drunken one night stand.
- I don’t believe you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find a prince, all this means is that 1) You kissed frogs, and that’s just weird 2) It’s the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.
- I’ve seen too many of my friends change after getting a boyfriend. I like who I am, and I don’t want to change into someone who is dependent on another person. Other than my Mom, now there is one solid, stable, human!
- If you don’t get my humor, you won’t get me.
-I think it’s crazy to date anyone North of the Mason Dixon line.
- I think my dad is the greatest man I’ll ever meet.
- I’m republican, and an extremely conservative one.
- I’m an extreme patriot, the 4th of July is the greatest holiday on record, if you disagree, you can leave. In fact, take everyone like you, with you.
-I can’t cook to save my life, hell I’m barely capable of feeding my damn dog and that mess comes out of a bag.
- I let a few assholes ruin my self esteem. No really, I couldn’t have picked any worse than I did.
- I have the greatest guy friends in the world, and they’ll stay that way…as my friends. So if you don’t like them? Well chances are they don’t like you either. So I guess that solves that problem doesn’t it?
- My biological clock, is NOT ticking, in fact, I’m fairly certain that if I ever did hear it, I’d just go ahead and hit ‘Snooze’ and check back with it later.
I think that pretty much sums up why I’m single. At 23 I don’t feel the need to constantly have a guy in my life. My parents could careless about grandchildren (God Bless them), I’d rather drink on a Saturday night than go on a date, and no matter how hard I try I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look someone in the face, who is clearly lying to me and not raise one eyebrow and cast a judgmental look. I’m not apposed to dating, nor am I a “man eater” as I have been called before. I’m sure some day in the distant future I’ll be able to con some poor bastard into marrying me, but until then, for the love of God, can I please just do whatever the hell I want with no one to answer to?
Another fabulously, feministic, frenzied rant about girls who change for dudes. Maybe some day “Feminism” will be cool again?